......Observance of an Awakening......

What I love most about writing and keeping personal records is the availability to look back upon what I was and how I was feeling during those periods. Otherwise, some highly significant details would be lost never to be seen again.

Today marks one year since my life altering surgery..................

Right now, I'm left with a bad taste in my mouth. It has been hard to separate the good from the bad today. Flashbacks of time lost. Sometimes, I miss what could have been. As a result of my injury and surgery my life has changed in ways that I did not expect. It is so different from what I thought it was going to be. Yet, different in a good way. I was not prepared for it and it has been far from easy. I am truly thankful to have Cody for support, for always knowing when to stand by, or when to back down. I am not always the easiest to live with, I know. Thank you!

It's taken some time for me to find the blessings in all of this. I now know that deep down this is where I am meant to be at this point in time. I'm learning, I'm growing and I will do everything in my power to continue to do so.

Through all of this I have regained a new found passion for photography. Not that I want something like this to happen every time I need a wake up call, but at least I can say that some good has come out of it all. I've certainly come a long way but the journey is far from over.

Below you'll find a passage written not too long after I had my surgery, I just thought it was a nice contrast to how I was currently feeling.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Eating my tears......................... Oh where to start? I have definitely been going through some transitions lately. Nothing is as it was. You start to realize that most things change and for you to expect things to stay the same then, well, you're delusional! I always seem to learn the hard way. What I've been through lately doesn't really compare to anything else I have experienced in my lifetime as short as that has been so far. It's always been a huge downfall of mine to be reliant on anyone; but as of recently I've had to do just that. I also feel as though I've had to learn to be weak in a way. I go from being in optimal health, climbing a few times a week, living it, and breathing it on a daily basis; to doing nothing. Only a select few actually know that for the past four months I have had problems with pain management; something that came about quite suddenly. And just recently with surgery and lots of hope I'm looking forward to being fully recovered so that there will be a day when I can climb again. That is where I lost my passion to do anything. Especially going about everyday without knowing why you're in pain. Well we found out: I had 3 herniated discs in my neck that were pressing on my spinal cord - the solution was to have the discs removed, all 3 of them! Most of my cervical vertebra is now fused - or is in the process of fusing itself. I've been off work for the past few weeks and I'm going nuts! I rather be working but I physically have felt like crap so I wouldn't be any help to anyone anyhow. I hate feeling so weak...........being so weak..........since when can't I lift 5 lbs.!!! About four months ago all I thought about was being stronger.......doing that one arm pull up for goodness sakes! Things have changed for me immensely and I've had a ton of trouble staying balanced these days. I keep telling myself to hang in there that soon enough I will be good as new but it's hard to be optimistic sometimes. Woe is me.........I sound like a victim right now.........I hate that! Well, anyhow what's done is done. I will recover it just takes time and unfortunately I am the most impatient person on the planet!