Forgetting that Fear

*WARNING: This is from my heart.

I've distanced myself for the past few days, as my mind has been clouded with all sorts of worriment that should have only been contemplated instead of dwelt upon. I can't help it though, sometimes, I'm that guy. As some of you may know Friday was the photographers reception in which the winners were to be announced for the competition. I am saddened to report, that neither of my photos were selected for any awards, no category winner, no special mentions, or people's choice award......Nothing! I'll admit that the defeat was disappointing for me, until the end, my hopes were high. In retrospect, I feel lucky to have even been a part of the competition at all - and I am deeply honored. The whole process brought upon so much anxiety for me, choosing the photos to enter, waiting to hear whether or not they were selected, framing the ones that were actually chosen, going to the shows grand opening, everything.........but I took a chance, and I did it! For most of my life, I've been quite afraid of putting myself out there for fear of rejection.



There was a point in my life when I was finally able to let that go. Last night, I realized when that was, and how exactly that was achieved.It took a gigantic leap of faith for me to move nearly 500 miles away from my family and friends to a place I had only been once, Boone. I honestly feel that I was drawn here by some divine force that I have never really been able to explain. This is my home, and I belong here. My life has changed so much since the summer of 05 and with every step, I never really knew what was going to happen, but I stuck it out, and I stayed. Almost two and a half years later, I am doing things, and living in a way that I didn't really imagine for myself back then.


After the reception, we picked up the free tickets I was awarded to see the Banff Mountain Film Festival movies that go on every year here in Boone. They are always everything you expect them to be out of the festival contestants. The caliber of movies they show are always on a level that really touch me in several different ways. One in particular that we saw last night, really hit home, it was called "20 seconds of joy". The 60 minute film was about a girl named Karina Hollekim who was a BASE jumper, an extreme and upbeat girl who was living her life to the fullest. From the start of the film, I knew that it was going to strike a cord with me, and in the end, I knew that I would be crying. I was short of a sniffling baby when her life was flipped upside down. I identified with Karina's story, because I too had been deeply involved with something that I loved so much, to only have it taken away before I was ready for it to end.



What happened with Karina, is that she suffered a terrible landing on a particular jump, and shattered her right leg in several different places, and has been through many surgeries in attempts to restore her leg. Our particular injuries can only be compared to a certain extent, and neither one can be measured the same way. After overcoming tremendous odds, Karina asked the question that I knew would break me, "Will I ever be able to jump again?", I started shaking and tears flooded my eyes..........I too remember asking my doctor prior to my neck surgery whether or not he thought I would climb again.......I felt her pain.


It's been since Sept of 06 that I climbed, and I think about it on occasion, I miss it so much sometimes. If I see photos, my hands will start sweating, and my heart will start racing, I can recall exactly what it felt like to be on that rock. Earlier I mentioned that there was a point in my life when I learned to let go of the fears that I harbored.......it was when I became a climber. Aside from being in the best physical condition of my life........I felt stronger all around, my mind as well as my body were well conditioned. I pushed myself to do things that I never imagined I would be capable of physically, but when I was finally able to achieve my goals, those accomplishments influenced my daily life, and gave me the courage to go that extra mile - I could do anything if I put my mind to it.


Climbing was my life, I did it four days a week, watched videos, trained......it was all I cared about quite frankly. But like Karina, in a matter of days my life was changed. Unlike Karina, I wasn't injured while climbing or in her case BASE jumping, but it happened four days before I was going to enter a rock climbing competition, something I had been working toward FOR MONTHS! I was crushed. I have come a long way since then, and I accept the course my life has taken.....Will I ever climb again? Well, I sure hope so.....Do I have any regrets about anything that happened? No. Would I do things differently given the chance? Probably not. However, I do need to continue my fight to overcome those fears that I have on a daily basis and against all odds stay motivated and driven by the desires I have for the chapters in my life story. Right now, I feel like I'm headed in the right direction.

Be Strong. Stay Determined. Find Inspiration. Never stop pushing myself.